Hello again, my loves. Have I got a story to tell you?! The night of Saturday, February 23 at around 9:00PM EST, I went to my first gay club in Philadelphia, PA. (I also used an Über for the first time as well, but that ain’t news).
The Über drops us(my fiancé, myself and two friends) off. We walked down an alley, drunk and slurring patrons stumbling and bumbling by. They resembled slow-moving zombies you seen in movies or TV. If it wasn’t seeing their sober friends trying to hold them up as much as they could, I would have grabbed my friends to the safest hiding spot.
We make it around the corner, and there it is. Tavern on Camac, most known as T.O.C. We were greeted by throngs of the horny, the drunk, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The sound of a live piano and deafening chatter.
We end up going to the bar first and while my fiancé and our two friends find stools around the piano, I’m stopped by an adorable gayngel who told me he loved my black lipstick. If that was all my night entailed, it would have been worth it. But, of course, life decided to throw me a bone.
Since I didn’t get anything from the bar and there were no seats left around the piano, I decided to just stand awkwardly between groups of people. I ended up near another sweet gayngel(we’ll call him M) who gave me props on my whole outfit and goth makeup. I thank him and we introduced ourselves. As we watched gay after gay get up and sing with the pianist, M and I were 1000% petty about every single one who he deemed “just ok”. Then, he mentions that his best friend(we’ll call him J) can sing better than anyone and that was sexy as hell.
So, naturally, being the gay whisperer, I found where his friend was and we hit it off from the get-go. And M was right, boy was fine as hell. Cheekbones raises to the gods, hair and eyebrows on point, and he tongue-pops at winks at me. Oh, J, why couldn’t we both be straight. Answer: because our lights shine too bright.
Anyway, between J buying me numerous Cranberry & Vodkas, and having toasts with other tables surrounding us, I was on cloud 9000+. M and I talked about his boyfriend who was out-of-state, which is where they live together. Also, M kept pushing J to sing and I pestered him as well, puppy dog eyes and pouty lip. I tried my best to be adorable and damn it, he wouldn’t budge but he was 1000% entertaining either way.
I get the itch to go smoke so I grab my fiancé and we head outside to shorten our lives with nicotine. We meet an adorable older gay man who told he wasn’t drunk, but he high off his ass. Then, we meet a gay man and his straight female friend who had the most beautiful ankle boots on. I didn’t hesitate to let her know I was jealous.
We make it back into the club and I link up with M again. He lets me know that I missed J sing. At this point, I am cursing my smoking addiction. J comes back to our table and I playfully punch him in the arm and ask him what he sang. He was too drunk to remember. (ง︡’-‘︠)ง
After a moment, I realize that M isn’t at our table and then the urge to pee hits me hard. A girl waiting in line was telling an older woman whose birthday it was so I wished her well. The three of us were waiting for the one-occupant ladies’ bathroom for what felt like years. The door opens. And who walks out? M and some gorgeous hunk. I slap him on the shoulder and told him I almost peed myself because he wanted to hook up. I can’t really blame him though, the guy was hot and he was single…wait, no…he has a boyfriend who is away. I just witnessed a cheat-ation.
I go back to our table and meet back up with M, making sure to give him the angry Mama Bear smile. He puts his hands up like he was innocent, then pointed to where J was. Guess who J was making out with? The same fucking hunk. The husband of the hunk was right next to them, and my head spun.
By this time, a sweet adorable twink asks to sit at our table since he came alone. We’ll call him T. If you could imagine one of those weird babies on the Sistine Chapel in their early twenties, it would be T. The sweetest gayngel in the universe, and I’m not just saying that because he said my whole look was ICONIC. But, that was a total ego-booster for me.
T told me was single and jealous of my fiancé and I for being engaged and super adorable. I just wanted to swaddle him and cuddle him forever. Then, a sweet gay in overalls with only one strap on comes to our table. He noticed that we were with J and he asked me to give him his Facebook info. Secretly, I knew that J didn’t have FB, but I did and we became friends and we hugged.
I find J up at the piano, not singing but just hanging and getting next to all the singers as they were on the mic. After a very cute ginger left the stage, the pianist told J he had to leave the area. J didn’t move and the pianist straight-up called for security. Girl, I was 1000% shook! I’d never seen anyone kicked out of a club before. I followed J out to smoke and were talking and being adorable together. I noticed M and Hunk and Hunk’s husband.
You could literally smell the amount of testosterone and oxytocin in the air waiting to explode, similar to the opening to every Mission: Impossible film where they show the firing itself to the dynamite. I said my goodbyes and we exchanged numbers. I told M and J that I would be texting them later to make sure they were okay. To be a fly on the wall in that situation… Phew.
I went back inside to get back with my fiancé and T. I got back to the table and one of the employees came to our table, leaned on it and with a smile on his face, he said, “So it’s that time of the night where I tell y’all to get the fuck out.” I hugged him for being so sweet kicking us out. I say goodnight to T and let him make his way out.
My fiancé, friends, and I made our way back home. I kept thinking about how I almost didn’t come out because of a battle with social anxiety. I am so happy for this experience and so happy that I was social AND made friends. Seems like the only thing I needed was a Cranberry & Vodka and gays complimenting my outfit or makeup. It’s definitely a picker-upper, for sure. I can’t wait to go back there, or to Woody’s, or any gay club where I can get with my people again.